These weren’t Oscar nominees, but they’re our winners

You+won%27t+find+these+categories+among+the+Oscars+Awards.
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These weren’t Oscar nominees, but they’re our winners

You won't find these categories among the Oscars Awards.

You won't find these categories among the Oscars Awards.

Illustration by George Treviranus

You won't find these categories among the Oscars Awards.

Illustration by George Treviranus

Illustration by George Treviranus

You won't find these categories among the Oscars Awards.

Clarion staff report

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This year’s Oscar nominees have some of the best talent in the industry. While we recognize that movies such as Brave, Les Miserables and Silver Linings Playbook are great, there are a few others in certain corners of the industry that need light. That said, we’ve hand-picked a few categories to supplement your Oscar experience.

Best Holding of Breath by a Background Actor/Actress

WINNER: HUMAN SHIELD in ‘Django Unchained’ final scene (A Band Apart, Released: Dec. 25, 2012)

The extra in the final shootout of Django Unchained did an exemplary job of not only pretending to be dead, but also being used as a cover for the title character during the shootout. This extra was called upon to be graphically shot at while already dead as well as asked to hold his breath, a doubly impressive feat.

Runners up: SWAT guy from Cabin in the Woods, Mafia henchman from Seven Psychopaths

Best Performance by a Very Old Person

WINNER: GUS, ‘Trouble With A Curve’ (Malpaso Productions, Released: Sept. 21, 2012)

The extra in the final shootout of Django Unchained did an exemplory job of not only pretending to be dead, but also being used as a cover for the title character during the shootout. This extra was called upon to be graphically shot at while already dead as well as asked to hold his breath, a doubly impressive feat.

Runners up: SWAT guy from Cabin in the Woods, Mafia henchman from Seven Psychopaths

 

Best Film With Daniel Craig

WINNER: 007: SKYFALL (Eon Productions, Danjaq LLC, Released: Nov. 9, 2012)

Lets disregard that Daniel Craig had been in no other real motion pictures this year. “007: Skyfall” was clearly an example that the man was in top form for the latest Bond mission. Film director Sam Mendes provided Craig with several neat action sequences to work with, we get to see a more personal side of Bond in this film, and we get to see how “M” (Judi Dench) has had a huge impact on Bond’s life. Craig’s latest performance will leave his fans begging for more pretty explosions and exclusives.

RUNNERS-UP: None

Worst Movie of the Year

WINNER: 2-headed shark attack (Asylum Entertainment, Released: Jan. 31, 2012)

If there’s one film in the world that is both the best and worst in the Sci-Fi genre, it’s this one. From it’s negligence of introducing main characters to the hysterical use of cinematic graphics on the mythical 2-headed shark, you will laugh, cry and beat yourself from the bad decision you made: watching this film. Starring Hulk Hogan’s daughter, who is the only memorable character from the experience, to the less important minor characters, you’ll have no idea who is who until they are dead. The best part? You won’t even care, because you’ll be too busy rolling on the floor in a fit. Additionally, Carmen Electra is in this movie for some reason.

Best Film In Which Sean Bean Didn’t Die

WINNER: CLEANSKIN (Warner Brothers, Released: Mar. 9, 2012)

Sean Bean has been known as the-guy-who-dies in over twenty films and TV productions. Fortunately though, in 2012 he avoided typecasting and managed to live through a handful of films. The most notable of these is “Cleanskin,” for not only did Bean live, but he also killed almost everyone else in the film.

Runners-up: Soldiers of Fortune, Silent Hill: Revelation

Best Fan-Fiction

WINNER: TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART II (Summit Entertainment, Released: Nov. 16, 2012)

The fifth movie in the Twilight saga brings the storyline to a close, though there wasn’t really enough plot in it to justify the fifth film. This movie was positively the best tribute of the year to a franchise’s fan-base, filled with adolescent angst, vampires, werewolves, and gazing deep into another’s eyes. Especially the gazing.

Runners-up: The Hobbit, Les Miserables

 

 

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